BIO:

Kevin Sullivan is renowned for knowing a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff, and has opinions about most of it. He teaches photography at Santa Fe Community College, worked at the ABC Television studios in Hollywood, California for most of a decade, and studied film at California State University, Northridge. He was also pleased to discover that his probation officer thinks the the job “writer for Santa Fe Pulse” apparently fulfills the necessary requirements to qualify him for the weekend work-release program.

 

 

Discophone Fever: Smartphone Buyer’s Guide

A discophone, according to my friend Sam who coined the term, is the latest and greatest cellphone with the flashing lights and fancy dance moves. It’s the phone that makes people throw their hands up in that ‘raising the roof’ gesture and go whoot-whoot when you whip it out. Actually, most anything flashy can be given the disco- prefix by Sam, but that’s another story entirely.

You want a discophone. Don’t sass me about how your current phone is fine, it just makes phone calls and that’s all you want from a phone. First, who the heck is still making phone calls? I used to get 200 phone calls a day, now I get 2 a day and mostly from my mom. I do get 200 text messages, a bunch of emails, and 9 million Facebook notifications everyday though. If all your phone does is make phone calls, I think we need to call Dr. Phil.

And a discophone is your whole office in a pocket, but without the bad coffee. A modern smartphone is a phone, camera, fax machine, calendar, alarm clock, phonebook, laptop, PC, GPS navigator, flashlight, newspaper, word processor, wi-fi router, modem and way more stuff. All in one rechargeable handheld device. If you think about the old Star Trek tricorders, they sucked compared to a modern smartphone. They would get 1.5 stars on a Cnet review and be called a polkaphone.

So get with the program and don’t make me use the backside of my pimp hand. Buy a discophone. Your friends, family, dog and planet will thank you.

“But, Kevin…” you protest, “I don’t know anything about discophones!” Yeah, obviously, if you have read this far into this article you probably don’t know jack about this stuff. I’m going to teach you how to act like you understand this discophone fever without needing to actually learn anything. And you like that.

Let’s assume your odious 2 year contract is up and you have reclaimed your soul from your provider. You can stick with your current carrier or switch, so check out the discophone selection at each provider. Only look at service from places known to have decent coverage and reception in your area.

Rule #1- Spend Money

In this situation, money is a pretty good substitute for actual knowledge, and you need all the help you can get. Right now, a decent discophone is $200 to $300 with a 2 year contract. The expert is going to buy something in that range and you should, too. A $75 discophone is $75 wasted. A $300 discophone is an investment in your future.

Rule #2- Get A Big Screen

Most of the action on a discophone goes down on the touchscreen dancefloor. The more real estate for the screen the easier it is to type, surf the web, watch videos and play games. It matters.

Rule #3- Get Something Tough

Let’s be honest, a lot of phones won’t survive two years of your perpetual abuse, spittle and food particles. Pick one that will. It should have a decent heft, flyweight phones bounce out of pockets or get left behind too easily. It should have good grip. Imagine dropping it from two or three feet high onto concrete, you will do that several times in the next 24 months. Modern phones are surprisingly durable, and a good case can help protect them. But one of my current pet peeves is ultra slim but wimpy phones that require you to shield them from damage inside giant balloon like cases. That negates the whole purpose of the sleek design of the actual phone. So I like to fly my phone commando-style, the way they were designed.

Rule #4- Follow My Rules

If you read this and ignore my advice I can not be held responsible.

There. Now you have 4 basic rules that allow you to shop for a high end smartphone and not confuse yourself. You’re welcome.

Kevin Sullivan